We celebrated the beginning of Holy Week last night with an “Evening of Praise” at our church. It was so wonderful. Praise and worship is my favorite part of our church service- so to have an entire service devoted to singing was a fairytale.
I went to the service with a heavy heart. We are in our 29th month waiting on our blessing(s) from Ethiopia, and this week marks 9 months at #1 on the sibling list.
9 months at #1.
9 months of waiting for the phone to ring every.blessed. day.
9 months of waking up with a hopeful heart thinking, “maybe today,” and going to bed- disappointed- praying, “please let it be tomorrow.”
9 months of obsessively keeping the phone at my side, checking the volume, checking the service- making sure that I will hear it ring.
It has been an emotionally exhausting 9 months.
To say that I am ready for the phone to ring would be the understatement of the year. As I write this, I struggle to find the words to fully explain how I am feeling. For those that know me, you know that I can be private with my struggles. I wrote about this in my post on Taking the Noodle. I am working on this…
I prayed that the Lord would speak to me last night, and He did. What I realized is that every negative emotion, thought, feeling- all stem from fear. I am afraid that I can’t wait any longer, that I will never be a mom, that my children are scared, lonely, hungry, alone…..I could go on and on. Yes, I am afraid.
I will NOT let this fear define me. I will not.
Standing in church, singing to the Lord, I decided last night to take my fear, my doubt, my weariness, and turn it into praise.
I was searching for the right words, and came up with this:
When my strength has failed me and I don’t know how to pray;
I hold onto your truth and your mercy for each day.
When my soul feels anguished and I feel I can’t go on;
your mighty hand is holding me- for when I am weak, you’re strong.
When I feel alone and scared for what I face;
your loving spirit engulfs me, covering me in your grace.
Yes, your word is true- a strong anchor for my soul;
Your love and mercy surround me- it’s you that makes me whole.
So when my journey scares me and my life feels like a maze;
I will take my fear and turn it into praise.
I praise God for his perfect timing, for his goodness, and for our journey. 29 months on the list- 9 months at #1 on the sibling list- are all necessary to give us the PERFECT children that God has already placed in our family.
I can’t wait to tell my kids how much I love them.