Take the Noodle

Many people know that our journey to parenthood has been blessed, beautiful, and full of growth.  However, our journey has also been hard. And, when I say hard, I don’t mean the typical “tests of faith” and “obstacles to overcome” hard.  I’m talking gut-wrenching, worst-case-scenario happening, dark depression kind of hard.

Hard.

If you know me well, however, you probably don’t hear me talk about this very often.  I am pretty head-strong, and like to stay positive.  In the past 4 years that I have been aching for a baby, I have become really good at smiling, staying positive, and not sharing my grief with too many.  I tend to internalize.  God has given me strength that I did not know I could ever have.  I have endured. I have been blessed, and I am so grateful for that.

Through it all, I have carried my burden {mostly} privately.  Then, last Tuesday I had a really hard day. I broke down, I shared, I grieved.  I reached out to those around me and felt the strength and prayers of the people that love us. We are blessed with the most incredible support structure that has loved us, prayed for us, and encouraged us so much these past 4 years.

I spent my entire commute home on the phone with my mom, crying.  I spent the night with my sister and husband, prayed, and went to bed early.  I woke up early on Wednesday and ran 6 miles- flushing it all out- praying and praising the Lord.

And, then, on Wednesday morning, I heard the Lord speak to me; I had one of those “aha moments.”

I envision myself in the deep end of a huge pool- I have been in this pool for 4 years, treading water.  I find comfort in my treading because I know that God is my lifeguard- He is watching me and He will not let me sink.

He will not let me sink.

So, I tell myself, “just keep swimming.” I just have to keep kicking, keep going, keep pushing forward.

Just keep swimming.

I am in a giant pool, treading water.  For the past 4 years, people that love me have been surrounding me, encouraging me, loving me, and rooting for me- all with pool noodles.  These people have said, “Here, Heidi, take my noodle so you can rest.”

With a smile, I have resisted taking these noodles.  I felt like with God watching me, I could keep going.  I don’t need someone else’s noodle.  I can do it.  I can do it.  I am doing it.  Just keep swimming.

Besides, if I took someone else’s noodle, then they would have to tread water for a while, as I rested, and I would feel bad about that.  Nope, I thought, “I can do it- I am tough.”

Until Tuesday, when I couldn’t. I felt like I was sinking. As I reflected on this I heard God saying to me,

“Heidi: Take the noodle.”

Take the noodle? Rest and let someone else carry my burden for me? Float for a while?

So, this week, I took the noodle.  I finally surrendered to my own stubbornness and realized that I do not have to do it all.  God does not expect me to swim alone. He does not want me to swim alone. He has sent me all these people that love me- all these people that want to give me their noodle- that want to help me.  And, just because I accept the noodle does not mean that I am weak or that I am giving up.

As I float, I realize that:

It is okay to feel tired of praying and to allow other people to pray for me and for my babies.

I do not have to have it together at all times.

I can still glorify God while admitting that I am having a hard time.  In fact, I glorify God by admitting that although I am having a hard time, He is pulling me through and I trust Him completely.

It is okay to cry in front of others.

It is okay to question, be angry, and get frustrated.

It is okay to let other people do things for me.

It is okay to be weak.

As I float, I think about one of my favorite verses:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

So, I took the noodle and I am floating; floating on the noodles of the people that love me.  As I float, I am looking up at my Savior, my lifeguard- sitting on His throne, watching me.  I feel like the Lord is smiling at me- happy that I am finally accepting the help that He has been sending me all along. 

I float and I smile back, thanking the Lord for blessing me with so many people (and their noodles), thanking Him for giving me the ability and strength to keep swimming, and thanking Him for placing me in this deep water.

If it weren’t for the deep end of this pool I am in, I would not have had the closeness that I have felt to the Lord.  When I was in the shallow end, I knew that the Lord was there-but, since I could stand on my own, I was not 100% dependent on Him.  In my deep end, I can’t stand- the water is deep, and I grow tired of swimming.

However, as I float on my back- for the first time since I jumped into this deep end- I am able to fix my eyes on my lifeguard.  With other people’s noodles, I am able to lay on my back and just focus on looking into the eyes of my Savior.  As I look at Him, I see Him give me a wink.  He is watching me, He is rescuing me, every.single.blessed.day.

He rescues me.

And, in His wink, He is telling me that shallow waters are just ahead.  He is going to do it.  He is going to deliver me from this deep end.  He is going to send me my babies.

And, when He does, may He be glorified- my Savior and Lifeguard.

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