"All Things"

An adoptive mom who loves Christ, family, running, fitness, and all things health related.

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

Redeemed.

So, I haven’t blogged in MONTHS.  I guess my dreams of quitting my job and going into full time blogging won’t come true. womp.womp.

I have been wanting to get back into my blog…wanting to chronicle our waiting, how I have changed, what God has done in me, all the things that I love.  The problem, however, is that after so many months, how in the world can I catch up?  How can I go back and explain all of the things that God has done in me, how amazing my Bri is to me every.single.blessed.day, all of the pep talks from my mom, my family, my best friends, the funny stories, the hugs, the verses, the encounters with the holy spirit….how can I thank everyone who has touched my life, the people who have entered my life, and I have fallen in love with  (I’m looking at you, little Holly Madelyn), how? How? How?

How can I explain the feelings that I have as the #1 family on the sibling list?  How do I document how I feel?

How can I explain God’s working in my life, in my church, in our family’s relationships?

I have been feeling these things..how?how?how?

STOP IT, HEIDI!!

I had a great conversation with my Bri this morning.  I could never, ever even begin to explain how wonderful this man is.  The rest of the world only gets to see a tiny glimpse of my Brian, who he is, and what an amazing husband he is.  I am blessed with the private moments that I get with him, where I can see his soul, and can see God working in his life.   Even after all of this time, he makes my life a fairytale daily.  Seriously.  {Ok, gush over.}  I digress.  Anyway, I was talking to my Bri this morning about how I feel with my walk with God, with getting our referral, with the person that I am.  I work so hard every day to be the woman that God has called me to be; however, I feel very much like wet clay, still being reworked and molded.  What Brian helped me to realize is that IS OKAY.  God does not call us to be perfect.  Brian said, “If we were only given with we deserve or have earned, none of us would even be breathing right now.”  Bless him.  Thank you, Brian for reminding me what redemption is.

re·demp·tion

[ri-demp-shuhn]  noun

1.an act of redeeming  or the state of being redeemed.

2.deliverance; rescue.

3. Theology . deliverance from sin; salvation.

4.atonement for guilt.

5.repurchase, as of something sold.

I have an obsessive personality and tend to do things in extremes. I  believe that this is both my blessing and my curse.  I can be very intense with my relationships, my workouts, my studying.  This helps me to grow and love, but sometimes I get in my own way.  I go so hard with things, and when I slip up, I feel like I have failed.  This week I felt like God will not give us our referral of our children until I become the “perfect” person…the perfect Christian, the perfect mom.  Always faithful, never doubting, always certain.  Silly, right?

The beautiful thing about redemption is that it is a free gift from Jesus Christ.  We don’t have to fill in the blanks, complete a course, check off boxes each day.  Jesus chose to die for us so that we can be forgive of our sins, so that we can be redeemed.  It is never something that we could earn, and nothing we do can change that. Salvation is a free gift from our ever-loving father.  Thank God my redemption does not depend on me.  Praise the Lord that our adoption process does not depend on me.  Perhaps this is a good lesson to learn now, before our children arrive home.

As our loving father, God will give Brian and me the greatest of our lives gift besides salvation: our children. As parents, we won’t be perfect.  We will mess up, regret, and fall short.  One things is certain, though:

We will teach our children to love God and we will love them. HARD.  

My life prayer is that the sweet babies that God blesses us with will never doubt for one single second that their mommy and daddy love them, that their mommy and daddy love each other, and that their mommy and daddy love Jesus.  If we can do those things, we will succeed.

These past couple of months have revealed to me that I am always a work in progress.  We all are.  Even though we want to feel that sigh of relief, that feeling of arriving, BECOMING.  Truth is, that is a fleeting feeling.  A relationship with our God is about growing, challenging, reaching, transforming.  If I ever feel like I have “made it”, that I have become the exact perfect person God wants me to be, then I am missing the point.  God wants us to dig, to feel, to challenge ourselves every day to grow deeper in love with him and to go out and spread that love to the world.  The gospel can be boiled down to 2 things:

1.  Love God.

2.  Love people.

I will strive to do these things each day.  I will mess up, I will fall short.  However, I will experience God in ways I never thought possible.  While I am doing all of these things, as I look UP and not OUT everyday, God will hold our children in Ethiopia and bring them into our life at EXACTLY the moment that he has planned.

While I was running my mile this morning, I couldn’t get this song out of my head:

Forgiven and Loved by Jimmy Needman

O I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation
But I bought the lie I still have work to do
Now I’m working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation
But there is no condemnation in You

O He died He died to rectify my hopeless situation
And His blood commands my guilt to leave
Now on Calvary I stand
Empty pockets open hands
O there is no condemnation for me

…child you’re forgiven and child you are loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmF-s9Dd83g

Will I keep blogging?  I am not sure.  Will anyone even read this?  Probably not; maybe our children, one day.  I just felt called to write it.  I am grateful for this revelation.

Trusting in God, praying that this is the week that we see our children’s faces.  Bless it, God.

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